Mark Twain Quotes, Coffee Quotes, Wine Quotes

Nothing agrees with me. If I drink coffee, it gives me dyspepsia; if I drink wine, it gives me the gout; if I go to church, it gives me dysentery.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Coffee Quotes , Wine Quotes

Never miss an opportunity to shut up.

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Humor is man's greatest blessing.

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If we only had some God in the country's laws, instead of being in such a sweat to get him into the Constitution, it would be better all around.

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A marriage. . .will give a new gladness to the sunshine, a new fragrance to the flowers, a new beauty to the earth, and a new mystery to life.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Soulmate Quotes , Flower Quotes

When the doctrine of allegiance to party can utterly up-end a man's moral constitution and make a temporary fool of him besides, what excuse are you going to offer for preaching it, teaching it, extending it, perpetuating it? Shall you say, the best good of the country demands allegiance to party? Shall you also say it demands that a man kick his truth and his conscience into the gutter, and become a mouthing lunatic, besides?

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The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Men Quotes , Half Quotes

The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise, I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and call him brother.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Travel Quotes , Brother Quotes

I don't see any use in having a uniform and arbitrary way of spelling words. We might as well make all clothes alike and cook all dishes alike. Sameness is tiresome; variety is pleasing.

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An uneasy conscience is a hair in the mouth.

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And I urge upon you this - which I think is wisdom - if you find you can't make seventy by any but an uncomfortable road, don't you go.

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There ain't anything that is so interesting to look at as a place that a book has talked about.

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I cannot keep from talking, even at the risk of being instructive.

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The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

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There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

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A good memory and a tongue tied in the middle is a combination which gives immortality to conversation.

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Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

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The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

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A man can be a Christian or a patriot, but he can't legally be a Christian and a patriot - except in the usual way: one of the two with the mouth, the other with the heart.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Christian Quotes , Heart Quotes

All Congresses and Parliaments have a kindly feeling for idiots, and a compassion for them, on account of personal experience and heredity.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Compassion Quotes