Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Successful Quotes

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots understand their own language.

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Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

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Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.

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Not a single right is indestructible: a new might can at any time abolish it, hence, man possesses not a single permanent right. God is Might (and He is shifty, malicious, and uncertain).

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I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

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...ignorant as the unborne babe! ignorant as unborn twins!

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There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless.

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Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.

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I like Joan of Arc best of all my books; and it is the best; I know it perfectly well.

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In India, 'cold weather' is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

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I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.

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More than once I have been humiliated by my resemblance to God the father; He is always longing for the love of His children and trying to get it on the cheapest and laziest terms He can invent.

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Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

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Protestant parents still keep a Bible handy in the house, so that the children can study it, and one of the first things the little boys and girls learn is to be righteous and holy and not piss against the wall. They study those passages more than they study any others, except those which incite to masturbation. Those they hunt out and study in private.

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The law of work does seem utterly unfair-but there it is, and nothing can change it: the higher the pay in enjoyment the worker gets out of it, the higher shall be his pay in cash, too.

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The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

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I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

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I found out that I was a Christian for revenue only and I could not bear the thought of that, it was so ignoble.

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Not all the Greek runners in the original Olympics were totally naked. Some wore shoes.

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