Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we ought to try and respect it. A thing which is not thoroughly easy to do, when we reflect that by command of the law a criminal juror must be an intellectual vacuum, attached to a melting heart and perfectly macaronian bowels of compassion.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Every person is a book, each year a chapter.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Book Quotes , Years Quotes

I played Chess with him and would have beaten him sometimes only he always took back his last move, and ran the game out differently

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Moving Quotes , Games Quotes

When in doubt tell the truth.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Life Quotes , Truth Quotes

We had an abundance of mangoes, papaias and bananas here, but the pride of the islands, the most delicious fruit known to men, cherimoya, was not in season. It has a soft pulp, like a pawpaw, and is eaten with a spoon.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Pride Quotes , Men Quotes

Man proposes, but God blocks the game.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , God Quotes , Block Quotes

The reason most people don't go to church is because they've already been.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Christian Quotes , People Quotes

...majority Patriotism is the customary Patriotism.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Patriotism Quotes

Lord save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Hope Quotes , Tree Quotes

If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Christian Quotes , Religious Quotes

Where a blood relation sobs, an intimate friend should choke up, a distant acquaintance should sigh, a stranger should merely fumble sympathetically with his handkerchief.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Blood Quotes , Stranger Quotes

Talking of patriotism, what humbug it is; it is a word which always commemorates a robbery.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Talking Quotes , Patriotism Quotes

When you catch an adjective, kill it - perhaps the best possible advice for budding writers.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Advice Quotes

Where are there are two desires in a man's heart he has no choice between the two but must obey the strongest, there being no such thing as free will in the composition of any human being that ever lived.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Heart Quotes , Men Quotes

Deep down in me I knowed it was a lie, and He knowed it. You can't pray a lie - I found that out.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Spiritual Quotes , Prayer Quotes

A photograph is a most important document, and there is nothing more damning to go down to posterity than a silly, foolish smile caught and fixed forever.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Photography Quotes , Silly Quotes

By his father he is English, by his mother he is Americanto my mind the blend which makes the perfect man.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Mother Quotes , Father Quotes

We are chameleons, and our partialities and prejudices change place with an easy and blesses facility, and we are soon wonted to the change and happy in it.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Change Quotes , Prejudice Quotes

The poetry is all in the anticipation, for there is none in reality.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Reality Quotes , Anticipation Quotes

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Drinking Quotes , Wine Quotes