Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Life Quotes

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

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He charged nothing for his preaching and it was worth it too.

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Satan hasn't a single salaried helper; the Opposition employs a million.

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Obscurity and a competence—that is the life that is best worth living.

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The art of prophecy is very difficult, especially with respect to the future.

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If the bubble reputation can be obtained only at the cannon's mouth, I am willing to go there for it, provided the cannon is empty. If it is loaded my immortal and inflexible purpose is to get over the fence and go home. My invariable practice in war has been to bring out of every fight two-thirds more men than when I went in. This seems to me Napoleonic in its grandeur.

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No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.

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Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least.

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Tea is an affront to lunch and an insult to dinner.

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By common consent of all the nations and all the ages the most valuable thing in this world is the homage of men, whether deserved or undeserved.

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Men are easily dealt with--but when you get the women started, you are in for it, you know.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Women Quotes , Men Quotes

I hate to hear people say this Judge will vote so and so, because he is a Democrat -- and this one so and so because he is a Republican. It is shameful. The Judges have the Constitution for their guidance; they have no right to any politics save the politics of rigid right and justice when they are sitting in judgment upon the great matters that come before them.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Hate Quotes , People Quotes

I was born lazy. I am no lazier now than I was forty years ago, but that is because I reached the limit forty years ago. You can't go beyond possibility.

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He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

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Brooklyn praise is half slander.

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The old saw says, 'Let a sleeping dog lie.' Right. Still, when there is much at stake it is better to get a newspaper to do it.

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My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

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I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

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He [George Washington Cable] has taught me to abhor and detest the Sabbath day and hunt up new and troublesome ways to dishonor it.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Way Quotes , Taught Quotes

The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Laughter Quotes , Political Quotes