George Bernard Shaw Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right.

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You can always tell an old soldier by the inside of his holsters and cartridge boxes. The young ones carry pistols and cartridges; the old ones, grub.

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Every man deserves to be judged in the context of his times.

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In truth , mankind cannot be saved from without, by schoolmasters or any other sort of masters: it can only be lamed and enslaved by them. It is said that if you wash a cat it will never again wash itself. This may or may not be true : what is certain is that if you teach a man anything he will never learn it; and if you cure him of a disease he will be unable to cure himself the next time it attacks him.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Cat Quotes , Men Quotes

We should find ourselves committed to killing a great many people whom we now leave living, and to leave living a great many people whom we at present kill. We should have to get rid of all ideas about capital punishment.

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Syllables govern the world.

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All great truths begin as blasphemies.

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Get out of my way; for I won't stop for you.

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Journalists are too poorly paid in this country to know anything that is fit for publication.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Country Quotes , Fit Quotes

You are my inspiration and my folly. You are my light across the sea, my million nameless joys, and my day's wage. You are my divinity, my madness, my selfishness, my transfiguration and purification. You are my rapscallionly fellow vagabond, my tempter and star. I want you.

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When we know what God is, we shall be gods ourselves.

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Happy is the man who can make a living by his hobby

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The moment we want to believe something, we suddenly see all the arguments for it, and become blind to the arguments against it.

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Never fret for an only son, the idea of failure will never occur to him.

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There is a disease to which plays as well as men become liable with advancing years. In men it is called doting, in plays dating.The more topical the play the more it dates.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Men Quotes , Years Quotes

I like a bit of mongrel myself, whether it's a man or a dog.

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You propound a complicated arithmetical problem: say cubing a number containing four digits. Give me a slate and half an hour's time, and I can produce a wrong answer.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Science Quotes , Numbers Quotes

I lay my eternal curse on whomsoever shall now or at any time hereafter make schoolbooks of my works and make me hated as Shakespeare is hated. My plays were not designed as instruments of torture. All the schools that lust after them get this answer, and will never get any other.

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Not everybody is strong enough to endure life without an anesthetic. Drink probably averts more gross crime than it causes.

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There are no secrets better kept than the secrets everybody guesses.

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Keeping Secrets Quotes , Best Kept Secrets Quotes