Adam Carolla Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

I don't have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Mom Quotes , Emotional Quotes

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Lazy Quotes

If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Real Quotes , Golf Quotes

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Daughter Quotes , Mother Quotes

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Art Quotes , Reality Quotes

I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.

6 years ago

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When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Kings Quotes

I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Running Quotes , Car Quotes

I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Guy Quotes , Needs Quotes

The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Hate Quotes , Thinking Quotes

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Thinking Quotes , Fields Quotes

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Nice Quotes , Dirty Quotes

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Fall Quotes , School Quotes

I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Trying Quotes , World Quotes

Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , People Quotes , Pay Quotes

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Republican Quotes , Used Quotes

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Country Quotes , Feet Quotes

I know everything because I know nothing.

6 years ago

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