Adam Carolla Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

5 years ago

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When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

5 years ago

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The thing about a good podcast is you have to have a good host. If you don't have a compelling host then you have nothing.

5 years ago

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I know everything because I know nothing.

5 years ago

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Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

5 years ago

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I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dad Quotes

I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Thinking Quotes , Pie Quotes

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Strong Quotes , Thinking Quotes

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe. I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out. So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

5 years ago

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Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

5 years ago

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I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Trying Quotes , World Quotes

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Nice Quotes , Dirty Quotes

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

5 years ago

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People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

5 years ago

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I am not a good cue card reader.

5 years ago

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The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.

5 years ago

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To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do.

5 years ago

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I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

5 years ago

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I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Soccer Quotes , Coffee Quotes

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sex Quotes