Adam Carolla Quotes, Country Quotes, Feet Quotes

When I'm in power, here's how I'm gonna put the country back on its feet. I'm going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the 'tardiest of the 'tards like the thick crust.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Country Quotes , Feet Quotes

In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff. I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty. I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Nice Quotes , Dirty Quotes

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Bed Quotes , Stuff Quotes

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Gay Quotes , Looks Quotes

Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Focus Quotes , Saving Quotes

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Mom Quotes , Kind Quotes

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Philosophical Quotes

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dad Quotes

I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Blue Quotes , Guy Quotes

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Christmas Quotes , Dad Quotes

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Hands Quotes , Common Sense Quotes

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Podcasting Quotes , Form Quotes

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle. The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I'm not sure why.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Views Quotes , Land Quotes

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Feelings Quotes , Trying Quotes

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Car Quotes , Life Is Quotes

I am semi-ambivalent about being on camera - sort of low-key. I don't like being on camera stuff that much. I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much. Some people do. It takes a certain breed of cat. There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader. Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Cat Quotes , People Quotes

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Welfare is monetary methadone.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Welfare Quotes , Methadone Quotes