Adam Carolla Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

6 years ago

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Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

6 years ago

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You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

6 years ago

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My first car was a motorcycle.

6 years ago

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If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

6 years ago

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People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

6 years ago

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If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

6 years ago

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You don't realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It's a card you get so you can navigate society.

6 years ago

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I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

6 years ago

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I'm like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

6 years ago

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Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Average Quotes , Delusional Quotes

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

6 years ago

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Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

6 years ago

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I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

6 years ago

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As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Moving Quotes , Book Quotes

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

6 years ago

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Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

6 years ago

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I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

6 years ago

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Welfare is monetary methadone.

6 years ago

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All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Army Quotes , Government Quotes