Adam Carolla Quotes, Mom Quotes, Kind Quotes

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Mom Quotes , Kind Quotes

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

6 years ago

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Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Bed Quotes , Stuff Quotes

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Sports Quotes , Dream Quotes

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Emotional Quotes , Guy Quotes

I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Soccer Quotes , Coffee Quotes

I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Republican Quotes , Used Quotes

Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Pay Quotes , Taxes Quotes

I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Realist Quotes

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Basketball Quotes , Brother Quotes

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

I'm a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I'm into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Nuts Quotes , Car Quotes

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

There are certain things women are better at than men.

6 years ago

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Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Passion Quotes , Office Quotes

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Lazy Quotes

People are stupid. There's a lot of dumb stuff that's successful.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Stupid Quotes , Successful Quotes

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Museums Quotes , Walking Quotes

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Daughter Quotes , Mother Quotes

If you're conservative in Hollywood, you're on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , People Quotes , Hollywood Quotes