Adam Carolla Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

5 years ago

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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Government Quotes , People Quotes

I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

5 years ago

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People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

5 years ago

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I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

5 years ago

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You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

5 years ago

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I get depressed at airports.

5 years ago

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I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Lonely Quotes

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

5 years ago

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All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.

5 years ago

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I don't burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Trying Quotes , World Quotes

Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.

5 years ago

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I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.

5 years ago

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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

5 years ago

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Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Shapes Quotes , Way Quotes

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don't like the television stuff as much.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Television Quotes , Radio Quotes

I don't think healthcare's a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Thinking Quotes , Fields Quotes

Welfare is monetary methadone.

5 years ago

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Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

5 years ago

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There are certain things women are better at than men.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Men Quotes