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Adam Carolla Quotes 142

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

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6 years ago

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I swear my car won't run unless I'm picking my nose: At least, I'm that superstitious about it, so I don't want to take any chances.

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6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Running Quotes , Car Quotes

I'm a comedian, not a politician.

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6 years ago

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Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.

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6 years ago

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When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much.

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6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Christmas Quotes , Dad Quotes

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

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6 years ago

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My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.

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6 years ago

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When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

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6 years ago

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I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

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6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Thinking Quotes , Pie Quotes

When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

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6 years ago

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I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

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6 years ago

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Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

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6 years ago

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There are certain things women are better at than men.

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6 years ago

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The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.

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6 years ago

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People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

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6 years ago

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California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

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6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Fall Quotes , School Quotes

I am not a good cue card reader.

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6 years ago

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People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'

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6 years ago

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Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

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6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Passion Quotes , Office Quotes

I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

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6 years ago

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