Adam Carolla Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

5 years ago

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You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

5 years ago

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No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

5 years ago

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Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

5 years ago

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I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I've worked with women, I've never had an issue with women.

5 years ago

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A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money. Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money - do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

5 years ago

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People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

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There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

5 years ago

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Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.

5 years ago

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When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

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I don't know anything about computers.

5 years ago

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I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

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I am not a good cue card reader.

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If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?

5 years ago

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I don't like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it's the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they're pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.

5 years ago

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I get depressed at airports.

5 years ago

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The truth is we're all probably more creative than we realize, except we spend our lives watching TV or reading somebody else's book. We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

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Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.

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It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

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We're all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it. Telling them to stop isn't going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.

5 years ago

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