Adam Carolla Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

5 years ago

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If you've driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it's like a golf course... Real estate values go 'boom!'

5 years ago

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Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

5 years ago

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I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

5 years ago

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When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

5 years ago

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All's the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Army Quotes , Government Quotes

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.

5 years ago

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Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.

5 years ago

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I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that's out of this world. I'll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn't have to be between Thai and Mexican every night. Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Sorry Quotes , Night Quotes

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

5 years ago

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I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

5 years ago

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The very definition of 'beauty' is outside.

5 years ago

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Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

5 years ago

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Screw guilt -- I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn't bother me. I'm an atheist!

5 years ago

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No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.

5 years ago

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I liked radio, or podcasting. I like talking minus the camera and the script part. All those mediums are different, and they are all different with their pluses and minuses. I would say the podcast is my favorite because I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. The pace of radio is very fast. Boom, boom, with a little six minute segment, then on to the next thing. With podcasts you can talk about something for 25 minutes if you like - there is a lot of artistic freedom with it.

5 years ago

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I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.

5 years ago

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It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

5 years ago

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As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Moving Quotes , Book Quotes

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Travel Quotes , Knowing Quotes