Adam Carolla Quotes, Thinking Quotes, Joy Quotes

If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Thinking Quotes , Joy Quotes

Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Passion Quotes , Office Quotes

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Museums Quotes , Walking Quotes

That's the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can't pursue your dream till you're 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Sports Quotes , Dream Quotes

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Kings Quotes

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Christian Quotes , Atheist Quotes

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Philosophical Quotes

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes

I'm not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don't even want them to laugh half the time.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , People Quotes , Laughing Quotes

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Smell Quotes , Judging Quotes

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Accomplishment Quotes , Feel Good Quotes

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Thinking Quotes , Leaving Quotes

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Shapes Quotes , Way Quotes

I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Ill Will Quotes

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Travel Quotes , Knowing Quotes

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Opportunity Quotes , People Quotes

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Bed Quotes , Stuff Quotes

We're all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it. Telling them to stop isn't going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Sex Quotes , Thinking Quotes

I've always boxed, I always taught boxing.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Boxing Quotes