Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Science Quotes, Disorder Quotes

DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

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Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

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Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

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RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself.

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TRUCE, n. Friendship.

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Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.

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PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it.

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Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion.

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The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.

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Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

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Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

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A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the bones of their proponents.

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DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead - a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.

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INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

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Friendship: A ship big enough for two in fair weather, but only one in foul.

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Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

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Liberty is one of the imagination's most precious possessions.

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Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

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Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen.

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OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets.

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