Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Ties Quotes, Debtors Quotes

Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.

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PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.

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UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only.

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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

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TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference.

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REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

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ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability, but in romance it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination . . .

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Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

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At war with savages and idiots. To be a Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make others miserable.

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PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he never exert it.

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Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

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The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself.

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WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven.

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A penny saved is a penny to squander.

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RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the virtue of maids.

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PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer.

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Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.

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PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to programme. . . . not be confused with that of foreordination. The difference is great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore.

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To those who view the voyage of life from the port of departure the bark that has accomplished any considerable distance appears already in close approach to the farther shore.

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An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was poured on his lips to revive him.

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