Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

It's better to be an optimist who is sometimes wrong than a pessimist who is always right

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Optimism Quotes , Sometimes Quotes

Simplified spelling is all right, but, like chastity, you can carry it too far.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Spelling Quotes

There ought to be a room in every house to swear in. It's dangerous to have to repress an emotion like that.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes , Ignorance Quotes

Wisdom teaches us that none but birds should go out early, and that not even birds should do it unless they are out of worms.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Bird Quotes , Should Quotes

It's a good thing for a dog to have fleas; keeps his mind off being a dog.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Dog Quotes , Mind Quotes

A historian who would convey the truth has got to lie. Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to see it.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Lying Quotes , Able Quotes

The piano may do for love-sick girls who lace themselves to skeletons, and lunch on chalk, pickles and slate pencils, but give me the banjo.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Girl Quotes , Skeletons Quotes

How unfortunate and how narrowing a thing it is for a man to have wealth who makes a god of it instead of a servant

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Men Quotes , Wealth Quotes

The cigar-box which the European calls a 'lift' needs but to be compared with our elevators to be appreciated. The lift stops to reflect between floors. That is all right in a hearse, but not in elevators. The American elevator acts like a man's patent purge-it works.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Science Quotes , Men Quotes

Well enough for old folks to rise early, because they have done so many mean things all their lives they can't sleep anyhow.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Mean Quotes , Sleep Quotes

We are called the nation of inventors. And we are. We could still claim that title and wear its loftiest honors if we had stopped with the first thing we ever invented, which was human liberty.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Patriotic Quotes , Patriotism Quotes

History teaches us that whenever a weak and ignorant people possess a thing which a strong and enlightened people want, it must be yielded up peaceably.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Strong Quotes , People Quotes

The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Bible Quotes , Reading Quotes

But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery - go!

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Ophelia Quotes

I would much prefer to suffer from the clean incision of an honest lancet than from a sweetened poison.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Honesty Quotes , Suffering Quotes

Our Bible reveals to us the character of our god with minute and remorseless exactness... It is perhaps the most damnatory biography that exists in print anywhere. It makes Nero an angel of light and leading by contrast.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Atheist Quotes , Character Quotes

We never knew an ignorant person yet but was prejudiced.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Ignorance Quotes , Ignorant Quotes