Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Money Quotes

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

Seasickness: at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won't die.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Sick Quotes , Firsts Quotes

Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Confidence Quotes , Self Esteem Quotes

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Nature Quotes , Inspiration Quotes

The equator was wisely put where it is, because if it had been run through Europe all the kings would have tried to grab it.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Running Quotes , Kings Quotes

It is at our mother's knee that we acquire our noblest and truest and highest ideals.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Mother Quotes , Knees Quotes

Do not offer a compliment and ask a favor at the same time. A compliment that is charged for is not valuable.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Favors Quotes , Flattery Quotes

When you got to the table you couldn't go right to eating, but you had to wait for the widow to tuck down her head and grumble a little over the victuals, though there warn't really anything the matter with them. That is, nothing only everything was cooked by itself. In a barrel of odds and ends it is different; things get mixed up, and the juice kind of swaps around, and the things go better.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Prayer Quotes , Odds Quotes

A Patriot is someone who stands for his country always, and for his government when it is deserved.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Country Quotes , Government Quotes

The existing phrasebooks are inadequate. They are well enough as far as they go, but when you fall down and skin your leg they don't tell you what to say.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Fall Quotes , Skins Quotes

The pulpit and the optimist are always talking about the human race's steady march toward ultimate perfection. As usual, they leave out the statistics. It is the pulpit's way - the optimist's way.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Optimistic Quotes , Race Quotes

I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , People Quotes , Friendly Quotes

When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Father Quotes , Science Quotes

Music is a good thing; and after all that soul-butter and hogwash, I never see it freshen up things so, and sound so honest and bully.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Music Quotes , Hypocrisy Quotes

I have been cautioned to talk but be careful not to say anything. I do not consider this a difficult task.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Say Anything Quotes , Tasks Quotes

I have never seen what to me seemed an atom of proof that there is a future life. And yet-I am inclined to expect one.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Religious Quotes , Atoms Quotes

It is yet another Civilized Power, with its banner of the Prince of Peace in one hand and its loot-basket and its butcher-knife in the other. Is there no salvation for us but to adopt Civilization and lift ourselves down to its level?.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Knives Quotes , Civilization Quotes

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Choosing not to read is like closing an open door to paradise

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Doors Quotes , Paradise Quotes

It is a pity we can't escape from life when we are young.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Pity Quotes