Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

God, so atrocious in the Old Testament, so attractive in the New--the Jekyl and Hyde of sacred romance.

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Never do wrong when people are looking.

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What's your name?" "Becky Thatcher. What's yours? Oh, I know. It's Thomas Sawyer." "That's the name they lick me by. I'm Tom when I'm good. You call me Tom, will you?" "Yes

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Names Quotes , Becky Quotes

Honesty is often the best policy, but sometimes the appearance of it is worth six of it.

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Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Life Quotes , Thinking Quotes

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.

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I have tried getting up early, and I have tried getting up late-and the latter agrees with me best.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Up Early Quotes , Latter Quotes

There is not a single celebrated Southern name in any of the departments of human industry except those of war, assassination, lynching, murder, the duel, repudiation, & massacre.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , War Quotes , Lynching Quotes

We had a sunset of a very fine sort. The vast plain of the sea was marked off in bands of sharply-contrasted colors: great stretches of dark blue, others of purple, others of polished bronze; the billowy mountains showed all sorts of dainty browns and greens, blues and purples and blacks, and the rounded velvety backs of certain of them made one want to stroke them, as one would the sleek back of a cat.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Stars Quotes , Sunset Quotes

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.

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People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

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In a good bookroom you feel in some mysterious way that you are absorbing the wisdom contained in all the books through your skin, without even opening them.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Life Quotes

The exquisitely bad is as satisfying to the soul as the exquisitely good. Only the mediocre is unendurable.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Soul Quotes , Unendurable Quotes

I reverently believe that the Maker who made us all makes everything in New England but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather clerk's factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don't get it...

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Country Quotes , Believe Quotes

What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.

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Never learn to do anything: if you don't learn, you'll always find someone else to do it for you.

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Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.

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Ignorance, intolerance, egotism, self-assertion, opaque perception, dense and pitiful chuckle headedness - and an almost pathetic unconsciousness of it all, that is what I was at nineteen and twenty.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Ignorance Quotes , Self Quotes

Don't just sit there and worry. Be proactive. Do something - anything - about what's worrying you so you can gain information, focus and control over the situation. I've suffered a great many catastrophes in my life. Most of them never happened.

5 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Worry Quotes , Focus Quotes