Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Christian Quotes, Religion Quotes

PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a field, or wayside. There is progress.

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Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call war and commerce. These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.

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KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

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According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians.

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PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.

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ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.

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Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.

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EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom.

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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

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War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

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EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.

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PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.

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REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.

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Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

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April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

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Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

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PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.

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RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.

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Woman absent is woman dead.

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Women and foxes, being weak, are distinguished by superior tact.

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