Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Science Quotes, Railroads Quotes

RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.

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A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.

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CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, author of 'Cogito ergo sum' to demonstrate the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved 'Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum' 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am' as close an approach.

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IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.

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Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.

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VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.

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Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.

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predilection, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion.

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CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

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EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. 'I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,' said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote. 'What!' interrupted Rochebriant; 'eating dinner in a drawing-room?' 'I must beg you to observe, monsieur,' explained the great gastronome, 'that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before.'

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Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.

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PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in preparing it.

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Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.

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Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo.

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God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past.

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PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a field, or wayside. There is progress.

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Don't board with the devil if you wish to be fat.

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Self-evident, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else.

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HASH: There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.

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COMMENDATION n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles but do not equal our own.

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