Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Moving Quotes, Men Quotes

ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one carrying the white man's burden.

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A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

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GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.

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ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

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INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman.

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HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.

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CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse."

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Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur.".

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ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.

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ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear.

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When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had.

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NOVEL, n. A short story padded.

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LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system - an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males.

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Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.

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Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.

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A chop is a piece of leather skillfully attached to a bone and administered to the patients at restaurants.

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RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.

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TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.

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Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours.

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PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed with garlic.

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