Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we ought to try and respect it. A thing which is not thoroughly easy to do, when we reflect that by command of the law a criminal juror must be an intellectual vacuum, attached to a melting heart and perfectly macaronian bowels of compassion.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Might I trouble you to open the window, for chloroform vapour does not help the palate.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes

We (The British) have not journeyed across the centuries, across the oceans, across the mountains, across the prairies, because we are made of sugar candy.

5 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Ocean Quotes

...it is not necessary to the child to awaken to the sense of the strange and humorous by giving a man a luminous nose...to the child it is sufficiently strange and humorous to have a nose at all.

5 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Children Quotes , Humorous Quotes

An absence of antecedents and of relatives is sometimes an aid rather than an impediment to social advancement . . .

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes

There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

He hadn’t a single redeeming vice.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Vices Quotes

We had got as far as this, when who should walk in but the gentleman himself, who had been drinking his beer in the taproom and had heard the whole conversation. Who was I? What did I want? What did I mean by asking questions? He had a fine flow of language, and his adjectives were very vigorous.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Drinking Quotes

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Even more exasperating than the guy who thinks he knows it all is the one who really does.

6 years ago

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Tags : Al Bernstein Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Knowledge Quotes

I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no brains.

5 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Heart Quotes

Well, sir, let us do what we can to curtail this visit, which can hardly be agreeable to you, and is inexpressibly irksome to me.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes

She dotes on poetry, sir. She adores it; I may say that her whole soul and mind are wound up, and entwined with it. She has produced some delightful pieces, herself, sir. You may have met with her 'Ode to an Expiring Frog,' sir.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

The funniest things are the forbidden.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

The unexpected has happened so continually in my life that it has ceased to deserve the name.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes

I was always treated as if I had insisted on being born, in opposition to the dictates of reason, religion, and morality, and against the dissuadinig arguments of my best friends.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I am engaged in answering that Italian buffoon, Mazotti, whose views upon the larval development of the tropical termites have excited my derision and contempt . . .

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes

I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease.

5 years ago

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Tags : John Donne Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Think! I've got enough to do, and little enough to get for it, without thinking.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes