Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

The humorist who invented trial by jury played a colossal practical joke upon the world, but since we have the system we ought to try and respect it. A thing which is not thoroughly easy to do, when we reflect that by command of the law a criminal juror must be an intellectual vacuum, attached to a melting heart and perfectly macaronian bowels of compassion.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

History is written by the victors.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind & keep them shut by force.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Religious Quotes , Humorous Quotes

The unexpected has happened so continually in my life that it has ceased to deserve the name.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes

A modest ring at the bell at length allayed her fears, and Miss Benton, hurrying into her own room and shutting herself up, in order that she might preserve that appearance of being taken by surprise which is so essential to the polite reception of visitors, awaited their coming with a smiling countenance.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Crafts Quotes

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Abraham Kaplan Quotes , Children Quotes , Humorous Quotes

If one tends to be a humorous person and you have a sense of humor the rest of your life then you can certainly lighten the load, I think, by bringing that to your trials and tribulations. It's easy to have a sense of humor when everything is going well.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Alan Thicke Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Thinking Quotes

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

A doctor's reputation is made by the number of eminent men who die under his care.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

...it is not necessary to the child to awaken to the sense of the strange and humorous by giving a man a luminous nose...to the child it is sufficiently strange and humorous to have a nose at all.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Children Quotes , Humorous Quotes

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Inspiration Quotes

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Always obey your parents - when they are present.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Children Quotes , Humorous Quotes

"Dr. Munro, sir," said he, "I am a walking museum. You could fit what ISN'T the matter with me on to the back of a -- visiting card. If there's any complaint you want to make a special study of, just you come to me, sir, and see what I can do for you. It's not every one that can say that he has had cholera three times, and cured himself by living on red pepper and brandy."

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes

... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Liars Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Animal Quotes

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Animal Quotes

Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science, and should be treated in the same cold and unemotional manner. You have attempted to tinge it with romanticism, which produces much the same effect as if you worked a love-story or an elopement into the fifth proposition of Euclid.

4 years ago

Message Copied

Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes