Hector Hugh Munro Quotes, Funny Quotes, Witty Quotes

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

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He seems the incarnation of everything soft and silky and velvety, without a sharp edge in his composition, a dreamer whose philosophy is sleep and let sleep.

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When people grow gradually rich their requirements and standard of living expand in proportion, while their present-giving instincts often remain in the undeveloped condition of their earlier days. Something showy and not-too-expensive in a shop is their only conception of the ideal gift.

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A beautifully constructed borshch, such as you are going to experience presently, ought not only to banish conversation but almost to annihilate thought.

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Poverty keeps together more homes than it breaks up.

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Women and elephants never forget an injury.

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In baiting a mousetrap with cheese, always leave room for the mouse.

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I hate posterity - it's so fond of having the last word.

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Mother, may I go and maffick, Tear around and hinder traffic?

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It is an admitted fact that the ordinary tomtit of commerce has a sounder aesthetic taste than the average female relative in the country.

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If he had unlimited money at his disposal, he might go into the wilds somewhere and shoot big game. I never know what the big game have done to deserve it, but they do help to deflect the destructive energies of some of our social misfits.

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I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly.

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It occurred to me that I would like to be a poet. The chief qualification, I understand is that you must be born. Well, I hunted up my birth certificate, and found that I was all right on that score.

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The cook was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went.

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By insisting on having your bottle pointing to the north when the cork is being drawn, and calling the waiter Max, you may induce an impression on your guests which hours of laboured boasting might be powerless to achieve. For this purpose, however, the guests must be chosen as carefully as the wine.

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He spends his life explaining from his pulpit that the glory of Christianity consists in the fact that though it is not true it has been found necessary to invent it.

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I think oysters are more beautiful than any religion,' he resumed presently. 'They not only forgive our unkindness to them; they justify it, they incite us to go on being perfectly horrid to them. Once they arrive at the supper-table they seem to enter thoroughly into the spirit of the thing. There's nothing in Christianity or Buddhism that quite matches the sympathetic unselfishness of an oyster.

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It's no use growing older if you only learn new ways of misbehaving yourself.

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All decent people live beyond their incomes; those who aren't respectable live beyond other people's; a few gifted individuals manage to do both.

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Find yourself a cup; the teapot is behind you. Now tell me about hundreds of things.

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