Adam Carolla Quotes, Travel Quotes, Knowing Quotes

The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Travel Quotes , Knowing Quotes

As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They're the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math. If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife's side of the bed at night. If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Moving Quotes , Book Quotes

Maybe I'm delusional but I'm usually funny. It's not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Average Quotes , Delusional Quotes

This is why the terrorists hate us. And it's not the glitter and it's not the pomp and circumstance. We've got black and white, we've got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn't care what color you are, and it doesn't care how rich your parents are, and it doesn't care what God you pray to. It's an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Stars Quotes , Hate Quotes

I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Years Quotes , Age Quotes

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Accomplishment Quotes , Feel Good Quotes

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Thinking Quotes , Leaving Quotes

There's no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I'm a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Christian Quotes , Atheist Quotes

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, "Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome."

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Daughter Quotes , Mother Quotes

I get depressed at airports.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes

I don't know anything about computers.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Computer Quotes

If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Museums Quotes , Walking Quotes

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Fall Quotes , School Quotes

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Jobs Quotes , Horrible Jobs Quotes

You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Names Quotes , Feelings Quotes

When you do television, there's more to do, and when you do new television, there's a lot more to do, especially when you don't have partner. I miss not having that person.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Missing Quotes , Television Quotes

Honestly, I've always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed - that kind of stuff.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Bed Quotes , Stuff Quotes