Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Needs Quotes, Cows Quotes

Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

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FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith.

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Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.

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LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem - a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success.

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Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.

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MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable . . . Commonly Saxon - that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.

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Strive not for singularity in dress; Fools have the more and men of sense the less. To look original is not worth while, But be in mind a little out of style.

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Damning, with bell, book and candle / Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal. / A rite permitting Satan to enslave him / Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.

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A revolution is a violent change of mismanagement.

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DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead - a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.

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The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degree of solemnity.

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Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.

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MONSIGNOR- A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our religion overlooked the advantages.

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No country is so wild and difficult but men will make it a theater of war.

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PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.

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Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

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Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

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HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.

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Advice, the smallest current coin.

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He laughs best who laughs least.

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