Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Tears Quotes

LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.

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MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.

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TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility.

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ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record.

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MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt.

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Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

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REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.

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Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense.

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Revelation: a famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.

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The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.

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HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.

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Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is. Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable. Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

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EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled.

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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

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RAREBIT n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and that riz-de-veau à la financière is not the smile of a calf prepared after the recipe of a she banker.

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gratitude, n. A sentiment lying midway between a benefit received and a benefit expected.

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In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.

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IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.

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Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it.

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Children who have proven themselves to be incorrigible by the age of twelve should be quickly and quietly beheaded, lest they grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate the likeness of their being.

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