Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Needs Quotes, Cows Quotes

Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

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ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.

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A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread.

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AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

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PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.

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Land: A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure.

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EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the future state.

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DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.

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If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg to-day the country could be successfully invaded to-morrow by the warlike hypocrites of Canada.

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INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache.

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NIRVANA- In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to understand it.

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In this world one must have a name; it prevents confusion, even when it does not establish identity. Some, though, are known by numbers, which also seem inadequate distinctions.

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Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the government from running amuck by hamstringing it.

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RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic.

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Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

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Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

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picture, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in three.

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K, n. A consonant; originally precisely that of our H, but altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of [one of two lofty columns in] the great temple of Jarute.

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A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul.

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The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and "me." "It will probably rain" - that is dogmatic. "I think it will rain" - that is natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists because so great is his humility that he does not think it important that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no artifice to make us forget him.

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