Ambrose Bierce Quotes

PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment.

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REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.

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ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to probability, but in romance it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination . . .

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An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor.

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RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.

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Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

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TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its own.

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GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted.

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ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.

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War: A by-product of the arts of peace.

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Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.

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Appetite, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.

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MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.

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HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.

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Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

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DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead - a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.

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To seek a justification for a decision already made.

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There are two instruments worse than a clarinet - two clarinets.

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Dance, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.

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CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.

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