Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Home Quotes

Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Home Quotes

A new oath holds pretty well; but... when it is become old, and frayed out, and damaged by a dozen annual retryings of its remains, it ceases to be serviceable; any little strain will snap it.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , New Year Quotes , Holiday Quotes

He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.

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The real yellow peril: Gold.

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God only exhibits his thunder and lightning at intervals, and so they always command attention.

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She kept up her compliments, and I kept up my determination to deserve them or die.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Determination Quotes , Compliment Quotes

To be a patriot, one had to say, and keep on saying, "Our Country, right or wrong," and urge on the little war. Have you not perceived that that phrase is an insult to the nation?

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Country Quotes , Religious Quotes

Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.

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Independence-is loyalty to one's best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Single Quotes , Loyalty Quotes

The motto stated a lie. If this nation has ever trusted in God, that time has gone by; for nearly half a century almost its entire trust has been in the Republican party and the dollar--mainly the dollar. I recognize that I am only making an assertion and furnishing no proof; I am sorry, but this is a habit of mine; sorry also that I am not alone in it; everybody seems to have this disease.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , God Quotes , Sorry Quotes

A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.

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Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions....there was never a country where the majority of the people were in their secret hearts loyal to any of these institutions.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Country Quotes , Heart Quotes

I don't want no better book than what your face is.

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I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.

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A half-educated physician is not valuable. He thinks he can cure everything.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Thinking Quotes , Physicians Quotes

The perfection of wisdom, and the end of true philosophy is to proportion our wants to our possessions, our ambitions to our capacities, we will then be a happy and a virtuous people.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Happiness Quotes , Wisdom Quotes

The North thinks it knows how to make corn bread, but this is a gross superstition. Perhaps no bread in the world is quite as good as Southern corn bread, and perhaps no bread in the world is quite as bad as the Northern imitation of it.

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If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

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Great enterprises usually promise vastly more than they perform.

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In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore, in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long, seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Years Quotes , Two Quotes