Mark Twain Quotes, Mother Quotes, Dog Quotes

My father was a Saint Bernard, my mother was a Collie, but I am a Presbyterian.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Mother Quotes , Dog Quotes

Astonishing things can be done with the human memory if you will devote it faithfully to one particular line of business.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Memories Quotes , Done Quotes

A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Book Quotes , Cat Quotes

Tomorrow night I appear for the first time before a Boston audience - 4000 critics.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Time Quotes , Night Quotes

I have not professionally dealt in truth. Many when they come to die have spent all the truth that was in them, and enter the next world as paupers. I have saved up enough to make an astonishment there.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Truth Quotes

I do not like an injurious lie, except when it injures somebody else.

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The average American may not know who his grandfather was. But the American was, however, one degree better off than the average Frenchman who, as a rule, was in considerable doubt as to who his father was.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Father Quotes

I don't want no better book than what your face is.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Book Quotes , Want Quotes

It's not as bad as it sounds.

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I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes , Sarcasm Quotes

My memory was never loaded with anything but blank cartridges.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Memories Quotes , Blank Quotes

That is an editor. He is trying to think of a word. He props his feet on a chair, which is the editor's way; then he can think better. I do not care much for this one; his ears are not alike; still, editor suggests the sound of Edward, and he will do. I could make him better if I had a model, but I made this one from memory. But is no particular matter; they all look alike, anyway. They are conceited and troublesome, and don't pay enough.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Memories Quotes , Conceited Quotes

[On Dutch flat poetry]: It is too smooth and blubbery; it reads like butter-milk gurgling from a jug.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Jugs Quotes , Dutch Quotes

When I want to read something nice, I sit down and write it myself.

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When a humorist ventures upon the grave concerns of life he must do his job better than another man or he works harm to his cause.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Jobs Quotes , Men Quotes

It has taken a weary long time to persuade American Presbyterians to give up infant damnation and try to bear it the best they can.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Giving Up Quotes , Taken Quotes

The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Age Quotes , Aging Quotes

A marriage. . .will give a new gladness to the sunshine, a new fragrance to the flowers, a new beauty to the earth, and a new mystery to life.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Soulmate Quotes , Flower Quotes

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

The perfection of wisdom, and the end of true philosophy is to proportion our wants to our possessions, our ambitions to our capacities, we will then be a happy and a virtuous people.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Happiness Quotes , Wisdom Quotes