Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law, concealment of it will do.

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There is nothing to be learned from the second kick of a mule.

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The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

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Principles aren't of much account anyway, except at election time. After that you hang them up to let them season.

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The world has corrected the Bible. The church never corrects it; and also never fails to drop in at the tail of the procession-and take the credit of the correction.

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Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

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Note that venerable proverb: Children and fools always speak the truth. The deduction is plain: adults and wise persons never speak it.

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A "classic" is a book that everybody praises but nobody has read

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That is a simple rule, and easy to remember. When I, a thoughtful and unblessed Presbyterian, examine the Koran, I know that beyond any question every Mohammedan is insane; not in all things, but in religious matters.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Religious Quotes , Thoughtful Quotes

Remember this, take this to heart, live by it, die for it if necessary: that our patriotism is medieval, outworn, obsolete; that the modern patriotism, the true patriotism, the only rational patriotism, is loyalty to the Nation ALL the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Loyalty Quotes , Heart Quotes

Distance lends enchantment to the view.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Wise Quotes , Wisdom Quotes

Why was the human race created? Or at least why wasn't something creditable created in place of it? God had His opportunity. He could have made a reputation. But no, He must commit this grotesque folly - a lark which must have cost Him a regret or two when He came to think it over and observe effects.

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His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.

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The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of ungraceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.

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Etiquette requires us to admire the human race.

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Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

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It is easy to see that the inventor of the heaven did not originate the idea, but copied it from the show-ceremonies of some sorry little sovereign State up in the back settlements of the Orient somewhere.

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If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times.

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Leaving out the gamblers, the burglars, and the plumbers, perhaps we do put our trust in God after a fashion. But, after all, it is an overstatement. If the cholera or black plague should come to these shores, perhaps the bulk of the nation would pray to be delivered from it, but the rest would put their trust in The Health Board.

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Except a person be part coward, it is not a compliment to say he is brave.

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