Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , People Quotes

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.

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Tags : Barack Obama Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

I don't think I'll ever meet the perfect woman. I might have to get me one of them mail order women. You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you're on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

The great commander, who seemed by expression of his visage to be always on the look-out for something in the extremest distance, and to have no ocular knowledge of anything within ten miles, made no reply whatever.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Distance Quotes

What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why!

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent.

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Tags : William Blake Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'

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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Few women care to be laughed at and men not at all, except for large sums of money.

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Tags : Alan Ayckbourn Quotes , Funny Quotes , Money Quotes

We have the best government that money can buy.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home!

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christmas Quotes

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Genius is born-not paid

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

It is a very dangerous thing to know one’s friends.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friendship Quotes

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

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Tags : Abba Eban Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

My best training came from my father.

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Tags : Woodrow Wilson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dad Quotes

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes