Adlai E. Stevenson Quotes, Funny Quotes, Witty Quotes

In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

5 years ago

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Tags : Adlai E. Stevenson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

I am a great and sublime fool. But then I am God's fool, and all His works must be contemplated with respect.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

No orator can top the one who can give good nicknames.

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Tags : Ralph Waldo Emerson Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock."

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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

If you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human being can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call dear baby 'it.'

4 years ago

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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Funny Quotes , Mom Quotes

Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!

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Tags : Adam Sandler Quotes , Funny Quotes , Wire Quotes

When they took a young man into Tellson's London house, they hid him somewhere till he was old. They kept him in a dark place, like a cheese, until he had the full Tellson flavour and blue-mould upon him. Then only was he permitted to be seen, spectacularly poring over large books, and casting his breeches and gaiters into the general weight of the establishment.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Book Quotes

Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.

4 years ago

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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Funny Quotes , Happiness Quotes

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Funny Quotes , Business Quotes

When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.

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Tags : Al Capone Quotes , Funny Quotes , Drinking Quotes

Dead birds don't fall out of their nests.

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Fall Quotes

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don't know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive.

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure!

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

You can always rely on America to do the right thing -- once it has exhausted the alternatives.

4 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.

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Tags : T. S. Eliot Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

A day wasted on others is not wasted on one's self.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes