Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Science Quotes, Function Quotes

EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Science Quotes , Function Quotes

POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Mistake Quotes , Eels Quotes

The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of remarkable Christian forbearance among men - were it not for a mawkish humanitarianism, coupled with imperfect digestive powers, we should devour our young, as Nature intended.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Christian Quotes , Men Quotes

Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call war and commerce. These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.

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Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

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QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not.

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SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the Neo-Dictionarians.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Challenges Quotes , Church Quotes

OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities.

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HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.

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REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to enforce an optional obedience.

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COMMENDATION n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles but do not equal our own.

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I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

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Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense.

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NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

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Introduction - a social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.

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Mad; adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Crazy Quotes , Odds Quotes

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

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RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded intellect.

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Evolutionary biology is genuinely scientific, but more than that it opens the door to a world more marvellous than any Christian fundamentalist has ever read into the pages of the Bible.

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MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Needs Quotes , Structure Quotes