Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Love Quotes, Women Quotes

Here's to woman! Would that we could fold into her arms without falling into her hands.

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WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.

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Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling.

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PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that - stone walls do not a prison make.

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Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.

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Aristocrats: n. fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts - guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.

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TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility.

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diplomacy, n.: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

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PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he never exert it.

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BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.

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Alligator: The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.

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HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.

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ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.

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Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

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ZEUS /n./ The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog.

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BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Etna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.

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