Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Numbers Quotes, Adults Quotes

According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Numbers Quotes , Adults Quotes

Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have measles, and the like.

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Rhubarb: essence of stomach ache.

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ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.

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ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.

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PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.

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X, n. In our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will doubtless last as long as the language.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Long Quotes , Letters Quotes

MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal.

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A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.

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Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

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A chop is a piece of leather skillfully attached to a bone and administered to the patients at restaurants.

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Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow only we perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet Philanthropos would abolish evil!

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Evil Quotes , Shadow Quotes

FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Long Quotes , Baptism Quotes

PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory race of antedated Creation. . . . Little its known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and theologians with a controversy.

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Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.

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CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

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