Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Fall Quotes, Men Quotes

A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves. He is like the lower end of a suspended chain; you can sway him slightly to the right or the left, but remove your hand and he falls into line with the other links.

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CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.

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GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Angel Quotes , Science Quotes

REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned . . . . whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.

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Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.

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REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.

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A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.

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JESTER, n. An officer attached to the king's household to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances . . . the king's own conduct and decrees [being] sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Kings Quotes , Utterance Quotes

CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager.

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An aged Burgundy runs with a beardless Port. I cherish the fancy that Port speaks sentences of wisdom, Burgundy sings the inspired Ode.

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CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.

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REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work upon a book, and so read out of it/ The qualities that you have first read into it.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Wisdom Quotes , Truth Quotes

Truth - An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.

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MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy, an officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign's hostility.

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Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

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DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Life Quotes , Diaries Quotes