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Ambrose Bierce Quotes 976

HEART, n. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments . . . . It is now known that sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid.

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IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.

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EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.

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Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

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EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.

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Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it.

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A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors - to dislodge the worms.

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War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

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For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.

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You can effect a change of robbers every four years. Inestimable privilege - to pull off the glutted leech and attach the lean one! And you can not even choose among the lean leeches, but must accept those designated by the programmers and showmen who have the reptiles on tap!

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PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous.

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Noise: a stench in the ear.

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Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

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NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and descending.

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HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.

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A bad marriage is like an electrical thrilling machine: it makes you dance, but you can't let go.

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