Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Advice Quotes, Coins Quotes

Advice, the smallest current coin.

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CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.

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HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.

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DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from private station to political preferment.

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Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

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OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has denied that hinder toe . . . . The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly.

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Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

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POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes for water. To hold that this general aversion to that liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be unscientific-and without science we are as the snakes and toads.

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Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.

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SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity.

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RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead.

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MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious Opposition.

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SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal reverence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest.

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Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

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Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

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DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper - the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort.

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