Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Funny Quotes, Music Quotes

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.

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I think I think, therefore I think I am.

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IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage, to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound . . . . properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position.

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BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think that we think. That which distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

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CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

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The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

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There are two instruments worse than a clarinet - two clarinets.

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Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

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Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.

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WEATHER, n. The climate of an hour. A permanent topic of conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up of official weather bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle.

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SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.

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INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.

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ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection.

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Electricity is the power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else

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Censor, n. An officer of certain governments, employed to supress the works of genius. Among the Romans the censor was an inspector of public morals, but the public morals of modern nations will not bear inspection.

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