Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Sarcastic Quotes, Animal Quotes

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

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ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke.

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The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can.

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MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Nature Quotes , Science Quotes

ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the devil.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Character Quotes , Italian Quotes

Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Skeletons Quotes , Dancing Quotes

PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes , Passion Quotes

ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's whole life long.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Life Quotes , Long Quotes

Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.

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The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

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April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

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You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.

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I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.

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PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

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MONSIGNOR- A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our religion overlooked the advantages.

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To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.

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Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours.

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Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes , Beach Quotes

HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Europe Quotes , Lasts Quotes