Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Science Quotes, Jail Quotes

OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.

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RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by evicting them.

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Optimist – A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.

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The god of the world's leading religion.

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CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work.

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Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.

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According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians.

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There would be far fewer accidents if we could only teach telephone poles to be more careful.

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Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered.

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Learning -the kind of ignorance affected by (and affecting) civilized races, as distinguished from ignorance, the sort of learning incurred by savages. See nonsense.

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GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted.

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Be as decent as you can. Don't believe without evidence. Treat things divine with marked respect — don't have anything to do with them. Do not trust humanity without collateral security; it will play you some scurvy trick. Remember that it hurts no one to be treated as an enemy entitled to respect until he shall prove himself a friend worthy of affection. Cultivate a taste for distasteful truths. And, finally, most important of all, endeavor to see things as they are, not as they ought to be.

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ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot is not considered as having a zenith, though Horizontalists hold that the posture of the body was immaterial.

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PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull.

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The Senate is a body of old men charged with high duties and misdemeanors.

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applause, n. The echo of a platitude.

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MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.

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ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly ("Musca maledicta"). The father of Zoology was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother has not come down to us.

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Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.

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In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

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