Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Kings Quotes, Utterance Quotes

JESTER, n. An officer attached to the king's household to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances . . . the king's own conduct and decrees [being] sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Kings Quotes , Utterance Quotes

The best kind of onion soup is the simplest kind.

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me, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Ego Quotes , Three Quotes

REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , House Quotes , Next Quotes

SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity.

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DISABUSE, v.t. To present your neighbor with another and better error than the one which he has deemed advantageous to embrace.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Errors Quotes , Neighbor Quotes

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.

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Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead.

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Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Thanksgiving Quotes , Gratitude Quotes

ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Practice Quotes , Long Quotes

GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers.

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AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Soul Quotes , World Quotes

Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion.

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LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed.

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Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.

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PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of conscience in demanding it.

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I was born to poor because of honest parents.

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The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Defense Quotes , Lame Quotes

The sum of religion, says Pythagoras, is to be like him thou worshipest. Had Pythagoras lived in our day he would have seen his mistake. The sum of modern religion is to make him thou worshipest like unto thyself.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Mistake Quotes , Modern Quotes

I think I think, therefore I think I am.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Math Quotes , Thinking Quotes