Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Men Quotes, Animal Quotes

MUMMY, n. - an ancient Egyptian handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.

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Here's to woman! Would that we could fold into her arms without falling into her hands.

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MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

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Youth looks forward, for nothing is behind! Age backward, for nothing is before.

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Philanthropist, n.: A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

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Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.

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Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral.

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Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.

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One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.

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An army's bravest men are its cowards. The death which they would not meet at the hands of the enemy they will meet at the hands of their officers, with never a flinching.

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Homicide, /n./ The slaying of one human by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he died by one kind or another - the classification is for the advantage of the lawyers.

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Pun: A form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire

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For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.

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You can effect a change of robbers every four years. Inestimable privilege - to pull off the glutted leech and attach the lean one! And you can not even choose among the lean leeches, but must accept those designated by the programmers and showmen who have the reptiles on tap!

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True, man does not know woman. But neither does woman.

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INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to - in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning.

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Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

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EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.

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GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These [quills] when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought and feeling.

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CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, author of 'Cogito ergo sum' to demonstrate the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved 'Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum' 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am' as close an approach.

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Reality Quotes , Thinking Quotes