Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

This looks like one of those unwelcome social summonses which call upon a man either to be bored or to lie.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Lying Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding.

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Tags : Abraham Kaplan Quotes , Children Quotes , Humorous Quotes

"Why, I don't exactly know about perjury, my dear sir," replied the little gentleman. "Harsh word, my dear sir, very harsh word indeed. It's a legal fiction, my dear sir, nothing more."

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

There are several kinds of stories, but only one difficult kind-the humorous.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Stories Quotes

Here is the piece. If you can't say fornicate can you say copulate or if not that can you say co-habit? If not that would have to say consummate I suppose. Use your own good taste and judgment.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

"I have seen those symptoms before," said Holmes, throwing his cigarette into the fire. "Oscillation upon the pavement always means an affaire de coeur."

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Mean Quotes

Always obey your parents - when they are present.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Children Quotes , Humorous Quotes

A man can well afford to be as bold as brass, my good fellow, when he gets gold in exchange!

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

They spell it da Vinci and pronounce it da Vinchy. Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Travel Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I have never examined the subject of humor until now. I am surprised to find how much ground it covers. I have got its divisions and frontiers down on a piece of paper. I find it defined as a production of the brain, as the power of the brain to produce something humorous, and the capacity of percieving humor.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Brain Quotes

My uncle, Mr. Stephen Maple, had been at the same time the most successful and the least respectable of our family, so that we hardly knew whether to take credit for his wealth or to feel ashamed of his position.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Uncles Quotes , Humorous Quotes

An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Profound Quotes

If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desperate need of new cliches: Banality soothes our nerves.

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Tags : Alan Perlis Quotes , Humorous Quotes , Technology Quotes

A God who cannot smile, could not have created this humorous universe.

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Tags : Sri Aurobindo Quotes , God Quotes , Humorous Quotes

His neighbor is a tooth-drawer. That bag at his girdle is full of the teeth that he drew at Winchester fair. I warrant that there are more sound ones than sorry, for he is quick at his work and a trifle dim in the eye.

5 years ago

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Tags : Arthur Conan Doyle Quotes , Sorry Quotes , Humorous Quotes

...it is not necessary to the child to awaken to the sense of the strange and humorous by giving a man a luminous nose...to the child it is sufficiently strange and humorous to have a nose at all.

5 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Children Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Dombey sat in the corner of the darkened room in the great arm-chair by the bedside, and Son lay tucked up warm in a little basket bedstead, carefully disposed on a low settee immediately in front of the fire and close to it, as if his constitution were analogous to that of a muffin, and it was essential to toast him brown while he was very new.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes