Adam Carolla Quotes

Don’t do your best, do my best.

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Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

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I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

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It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

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Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

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I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

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Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.

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Rich people don't pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes - they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn't pay taxes.

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You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

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If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

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The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.

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I don't think I've ever seen pie advertised. That's how you know it's good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts. They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven't seen one pie commercial.

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If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

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I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

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You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

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When you're picking a basketball team, you'll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you're playing the odds.

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That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

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The shuttle is the worst $20 you'll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been. You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can't afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.

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I'd never hurt another person.

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When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!

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