Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Life Quotes

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

What God lacks is convictions- stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something- not try to be everything.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , God Quotes , Atheist Quotes

The old saw says, 'Let a sleeping dog lie.' Right. Still, when there is much at stake it is better to get a newspaper to do it.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Dog Quotes , Lying Quotes

It's not the parts of the Bible I don't know that worries me...it's the parts that I do.

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What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.

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The timid man yearns for full value and demands a tenth. The bold man strikes for double value and compromises on par.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Business Quotes , Men Quotes

No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in the presence of ladies.

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Always tell the truth. That way you don't have to remember what you said.

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Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

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Honesty: The best of all the lost arts.

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That which was hard to endure is sweet to remember.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Sweet Quotes , Remember Quotes

Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Lying Quotes

When you want genuine music -- music that will come right home to you like a bad quarter, suffuse your system like strychnine whisky, go right through you like Brandreth's pills, ramify your whole constitution like the measles, and break out on your hide like the pin-feather pimples on a picked goose, -- when you want all this, just smash your piano, and invoke the glory-beaming banjo!

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Home Quotes , Piano Quotes

I love to revel in philosophical matters-especially astronomy. I study astronomy more than any other foolishness there is. I am a perfect slave to it. I am at it all the time. I have got more smoked glass than clothes. I am as familiar with the stars as the comets are. I know all the facts and figures and have all the knowledge there is concerning them. I yelp astronomy like a sun-dog, and paw the constellations like Ursa Major.

6 years ago

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To arrive at a just estimate of a renowned man's character one must judge it by the standards of his time, not ours.

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I don't want my girl to be so skinny she can knife me with her knee.

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A public library is the most enduring of memorials, the trustiest monument for the preservation of an event or a name or an affection; for it, and it only, is respected by wars and revolutions, and survives them.

6 years ago

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Wine is a clog to the pen, not an inspiration.

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No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Life Quotes , Trust Quotes

You need not expect to get your book right the first time. Go to work and revamp or rewrite it. God only exhibits his thunder and lightning at intervals, and so they always command attention. These are God's adjectives. You thunder and lightning too much; the reader ceases to get under the bed, by and by.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Book Quotes , Writing Quotes