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Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes 957
- You can put lipstick on a pig. It's still a pig.
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Tags : Barack Obama Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- Out upon merry Christmas! What's Christmas time to you but a time for paying bills without money; a time for finding yourself a year older, but not an hour richer...? If I could work my will," said Scrooge indignantly, "every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' upon his lips should be boiled with his won pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christmas Quotes
- Ones real life is often the life that one does not lead.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Trust Quotes
- A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- The English country-gentleman galloping after a fox — the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Country Quotes
- I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.
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Tags : Edgar Allan Poe Quotes , Funny Quotes , Pain Quotes
- The youth of America is their oldest tradition. It has been going on now for three hundred years.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes
- The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.
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Tags : Al Neuharth Quotes , Funny Quotes , Attitude Quotes
- Home is the girl's prison and the woman's workhouse.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Girl Quotes
- I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- The great commander, who seemed by expression of his visage to be always on the look-out for something in the extremest distance, and to have no ocular knowledge of anything within ten miles, made no reply whatever.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Distance Quotes
- I have made up my mind that I must have money, Pa. I feel that I can't beg it, borrow it, or steal it; and so I have resolved that I must marry it.
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- When there is an old maid in the house, a watchdog is unnecessary.
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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes
- Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'
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Tags : Adam Ferrara Quotes , Funny Quotes , Girl Quotes
- Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Drinking Quotes
- I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor.
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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Funny Quotes , Military Quotes
- Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes
- As one reads history ... one is absolutely sickened, not by the crimes that the wicked have committed, but by the punishments that the good have inflicted.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes