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Funny Quotes
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Funny Quotes 957
- You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.
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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes
- Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Successful Quotes
- They misunderestimated me.
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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hilarious Quotes
- The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes
- Plain women are always jealous of their husbands. Beautiful women never are. They are always so occupied with being jealous of other women's husbands.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Beautiful Quotes
- To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Family Quotes
- Every dream is a prophecy: every jest is an earnest in the womb of Time.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dream Quotes
- Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.
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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- I like Wagner's music better than anybody's. It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without other people hearing what one says.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Music Quotes
- Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hilarious Quotes
- Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes
- The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
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Tags : Voltaire Quotes , Funny Quotes , Hilarious Quotes
- Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
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Tags : Saint Augustine Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes
- PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Music Quotes
- Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes
- The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.
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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train.
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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes
- "Peggotty!" repeated Miss Betsey, with some indignation. "Do you mean to say, child, that any human being has gone into a Christian church, and got herself named Peggotty?"
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Christian Quotes
- "It's an old habit of mine, Wal'r," said the Captain, "any time these fifty year. When you see Ned Cuttle bite his nails, Wal'r, then you may know that Ned Cuttle's aground."
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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes
- There are some remarkable parallels between basketball and politics. Michael Jordan has already mastered the skill most needed for political success: how to stay aloft without visible means of support.
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Tags : Margaret Thatcher Quotes , Funny Quotes , Basketball Quotes