Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Spiritual Quotes, Religious Quotes

BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined.

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I was born to poor because of honest parents.

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REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress.

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MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them.

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GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin of the fusion managers.

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recollect, v. To recall with additions something not previously known.

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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

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PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.

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INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache.

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Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.

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Curiosity, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul.

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Respectability, n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.

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Think twice before you speak to a friend in need

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HOMŒOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.

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FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection.

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AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.

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SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor assumption and an inconsequent.

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Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

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GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be very great geese indeed.

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Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

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