Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Spiritual Quotes, Science Quotes

HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.

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Duck-bill, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.

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FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.

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NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.

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PESSIMISM- philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.

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DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed . . . deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life.

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A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus, and microbe.

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predilection, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion.

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HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

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Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.

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IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.

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God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past.

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It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.

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Human nature is pretty well balanced; for every lacking virtue there is a rough substitute that will serve at a pinch--as cunning is the wisdom of the unwise, and ferocity the courage of the coward.

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Pun: A form of wit, to which wise men stoop and fools aspire

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The place whereon the priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female fool.

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TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility.

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Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

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POSITIVISM- A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.

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ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a fee for assenting.

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