Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Fools Day Quotes, Months Quotes

April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

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A modern school where football is taught.

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Introduction - a social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.

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Youth looks forward, for nothing is behind! Age backward, for nothing is before.

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PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.

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Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes dishonest.

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TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in politics.

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MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.

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Bigamy, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.

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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.

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Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.

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Homicide, /n./ The slaying of one human by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he died by one kind or another - the classification is for the advantage of the lawyers.

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You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.

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Dance, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious.

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OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment . . . . judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the doer had when he performed it.

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KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

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Platitude: All that is mortal of a departed truth.

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Distance, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs and keep.

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PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory race of antedated Creation. . . . Little its known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and theologians with a controversy.

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Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.

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