Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Greed Quotes, Tariffs Quotes

TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

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What a woman most admires in a man is distinction among men. What a man most admires in a woman is devotion to himself.

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Behavior, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by breeding.

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New York is too strenuous for me; it gets on my nerves.

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The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.

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REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next.

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MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.

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PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the decent and customary reticences of theft. To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity.

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When publicly censured our first instinct is to make everybody a codefendant.

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SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal reverence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest.

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It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.

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Learning -the kind of ignorance affected by (and affecting) civilized races, as distinguished from ignorance, the sort of learning incurred by savages. See nonsense.

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Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

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KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.

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When God makes a beautiful woman, the devil opens a new register.

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SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect.

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SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death.

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Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.

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Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.

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There would be far fewer accidents if we could only teach telephone poles to be more careful.

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