Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Funny Quotes, Science Quotes

Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.

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Immoral: Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If mans notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from and nowise dependent on, their consequences-then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind.

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MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government.

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Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

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NEWTONIAN, Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when.

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CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.

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moral, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency.

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MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to the development of our language.

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Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

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The circus a place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

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Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense.

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NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.

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When you have made a catalogue of your friend's faults it is only fair to supply him with a duplicate, so that he may know yours.

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applause, n. The echo of a platitude.

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PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

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LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg "pate".

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PESSIMISM- philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.

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A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures.

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REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide.

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An army's bravest men are its cowards. The death which they would not meet at the hands of the enemy they will meet at the hands of their officers, with never a flinching.

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