Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Talking Quotes, Ideas Quotes

MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines, who believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. Herod of Judea, all the famous soldiers have been practical exponents of the Malthusian idea.

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PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to programme. . . . not be confused with that of foreordination. The difference is great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore.

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BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.

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An accident is an inevitable occurrence due to the actions of immutable natural laws.

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Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

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MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway.

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LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman.

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MONSIGNOR- A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our religion overlooked the advantages.

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THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science.

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Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

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A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus, and microbe.

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Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.

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A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul.

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Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

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LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used ... as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipitated in great quantities.

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Cribbage, n. A substitute for conversation among those to whom nature has denied ideas.

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ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.

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Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered.

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ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.

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Indigestion: A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the Western Wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: 'Plenty well, no pray; big belly ache, heap God.'

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