Ambrose Bierce Quotes, Science Quotes, Pockets Quotes

PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with.

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An archbishop is an ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.

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Cynicism is that blackguard defect of vision which compels us to see the world as it is, instead of as it should be.

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Condole - to show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.

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IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.

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SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.

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HEART, n. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments . . . . It is now known that sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid.

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Labor is one of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

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Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own.

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IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.

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ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear.

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Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

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You can effect a change of robbers every four years. Inestimable privilege - to pull off the glutted leech and attach the lean one! And you can not even choose among the lean leeches, but must accept those designated by the programmers and showmen who have the reptiles on tap!

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Religions are conclusions for which the facts of nature supply no major premises.

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An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.

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Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.

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A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors - to dislodge the worms.

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RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the virtue of maids.

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Revelation: a famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.

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Every patriot believes his country better than any other country . . . In its active manifestation-it is fond of killing-patriotism would be well enough if it were simply defensive, but it is also aggressive . . . Patriotism deliberately and with folly aforethought subordinates the interests of a whole to the interests of a part . . . Patriotism is fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave and blind as a stone.

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