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Adam Carolla Quotes 142

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

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It's funny when you're a kid how you can acclimate to almost anything.

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When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much.

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5 years ago

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I don't like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

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My motto is "more mystery, less history".

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To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can't you do.

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If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?

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I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

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I'm a comedian, not a politician.

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Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

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I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.

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I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.

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I am not a good cue card reader.

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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

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I don't know anything about computers.

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I don't normally vote. I'm lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

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When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.

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If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.

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If you spend your life walking through somebody else's museum, you never find out whether you're Rembrandt or not.

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You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

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