Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Time Quotes

Time and tide wait for no man. A pompous and self-satisfied proverb, and was true for a billion years; but in our day of electric wires and water-ballast we turn it around: Man waits not for time nor tide.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Time Quotes

It is not in the least likely that any life has ever been lived which was not a failure in the secret judgment of the person who lived it.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Failure Quotes , Secret Quotes

He wa'n't no common dog, he wa'n't no mongrel; he was a composite. A composite dog is a dog that is made up of all the valuable qualities that's in the dog breed-kind of a syndicate; and a mongrel is made up of all riffraff that's left over.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Dog Quotes , Quality Quotes

It is sound judgment to put on a bold face and play your hand for a hundred times what it is worth; forty-nine times out of fifty nobody dares to call it, and you roll in the chips.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Hands Quotes , Play Quotes

Preachers are always pleasant company when they are off duty.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Duty Quotes , Preacher Quotes

We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Sometimes we are too close to the scene, to see clearly. We "know" ourselves so well that we cannot see how we are perceived by others. Our opinion of ourselves is only "one" opinion and it may not be the truth.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Life Quotes , May Quotes

Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I am dead to adverbs; they cannot excite me. To misplace an adverb is a thing which I am able to do with frozen indifference; it can never give me a pang. There are subtleties which I cannot master at all - they confuse me, they mean absolutely nothing to me - and this adverb plague is one of them.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Mean Quotes , Giving Quotes

Never miss an opportunity to shut up.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Communication Quotes , Opportunity Quotes

The convention missionaries call "modesty" has no standard, and cannot have one, because it is opposed to nature and reason and is therefore an artificiality and subject to anybody's whim - anybody's diseased caprice.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Modesty Quotes , Reason Quotes

Sometimes people do get hurt

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Hurt Quotes , Pain Quotes

When everyone is looking for gold, it's a good time to be in the pick and shovel business.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Business Quotes , Gold Quotes

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: "Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Disappointment Quotes , Years Quotes

It has always been a peculiarity of the human race that it keeps two sets of morals in stock-the private and the real, and the public and the artificial.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Real Quotes , Race Quotes

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sympathy Quotes

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sports Quotes

We have infinite trouble in solving man-made mysteries; it is only when we set out to discover "the secret of God" that our difficulties disappear.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Men Quotes , Secret Quotes

Death is the starlit strip between the companionship of yesterday and the reunion of tomorrow.

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Yesterday Quotes , Tomorrow Quotes

In the laboratory there are no fustian ranks, no brummagem aristocracies; the domain of Science is a republic, and all its citizens are brothers and equals, its princes of Monaco and its stonemasons of Cromarty meeting, barren of man-made gauds and meretricious decorations, upon the one majestic level!

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Brother Quotes , Science Quotes

A private should preserve a respectful attitude toward his superiors, and should seldom or never proceed so far as to offer suggestions to his general in the field. If the battle is not being conducted to suit him, it is better for him to resign. By the etiquette of war, it is permitted to none below the rank of newspaper correspondent to dictate to the general in the field.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Attitude Quotes , War Quotes