Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humor Quotes

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

He was by no means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by the day together, - running, and catching, and batting, and bowling, and revelling in toil which would exhaust a galley-slave.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Running Quotes

When there is an old maid in the house, a watchdog is unnecessary.

5 years ago

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Tags : Honore De Balzac Quotes , Funny Quotes , Dog Quotes

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.

5 years ago

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Tags : Carl Sagan Quotes , Funny Quotes , Brother Quotes

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say, well done. And to the C students, I say, you too can be president of the United States.

5 years ago

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Tags : George W. Bush Quotes , Funny Quotes , Graduation Quotes

No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions; he had money as well.

5 years ago

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Tags : Margaret Thatcher Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Absence - that common cure of love.

5 years ago

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Tags : Lord Byron Quotes , Love Quotes , Funny Quotes

It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Senior Quotes

Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

5 years ago

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Tags : Gilbert K. Chesterton Quotes , Funny Quotes , Business Quotes

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

5 years ago

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Tags : Anton Chekhov Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

As I approve of a youth that has something of the old man in him, so I am no less pleased with an old man that has something of the youth. He that follows this rule may be old in body, but can never be so in mind.

5 years ago

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Tags : Marcus Tullius Cicero Quotes , Funny Quotes , Time Quotes

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.

6 years ago

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Tags : Adam Carolla Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humor Quotes

Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock."

5 years ago

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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Marriage Quotes

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Successful Quotes

He who desires nothing, hopes for nothing, and is afraid of nothing, cannot be an artist.

5 years ago

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Tags : Anton Chekhov Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ernest Hemingway Quotes , Funny Quotes , Fathers Day Quotes