Mark Twain Quotes, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotes

I have attended operas, whenever I could not help it, for fourteen years now; I am sure I know of no agony comparable to the listening to an unfamiliar opera.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.

5 years ago

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Tags : Virginia Woolf Quotes , Funny Quotes , Friendship Quotes

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

5 years ago

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Tags : Jack London Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Do not do unto others as you expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.

5 years ago

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Tags : George Bernard Shaw Quotes , Funny Quotes , Life Quotes

Those who love not their fellow-beings live unfruitful lives, and prepare for their old age a miserable grave.

5 years ago

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Tags : Percy Bysshe Shelley Quotes , Funny Quotes , Kindness Quotes

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

There is no finer investment for any community than putting milk into babies.

5 years ago

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Tags : Winston Churchill Quotes , Funny Quotes , Uplifting Quotes

Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.

5 years ago

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Tags : Albert Einstein Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.

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Tags : William Shakespeare Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sexy Quotes

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

The English have a miraculous power of turning wine into water.

5 years ago

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Tags : Oscar Wilde Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

5 years ago

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Tags : Robert Frost Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

5 years ago

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Tags : Saint Augustine Quotes , Funny Quotes , Witty Quotes

One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.

6 years ago

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Tags : Alan Shearer Quotes , Funny Quotes , Soccer Quotes

The proverb says, "Born lucky, always lucky," and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Inspirational Quotes , Funny Quotes

Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.

5 years ago

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Tags : Ambrose Bierce Quotes , Funny Quotes , Science Quotes

There is no such passion in human nature, as the passion for gravy among commercial gentlemen.

5 years ago

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Tags : Charles Dickens Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes

We have the best government that money can buy.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Sarcastic Quotes

The funniest things are the forbidden.

6 years ago

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Tags : Mark Twain Quotes , Funny Quotes , Humorous Quotes